How Far You Will Go
by AlexMason666
Summary: Upon defeating the Reapers and losing Kaidan, Shepard retreats back to Illium as soon as he recovers and falls into a life of alcoholism.


Author's Note: I got the idea for this story from another fanfic I've read called Blue Smiles. The story was very moving, but it didn't really give me a happy ending and it lead me to think about how my Shepard would deal with everything, so I came up with this. It takes place about 5 months after the end of Mass Effect 3 and about 4 months after Shepard had fully recovered from the wounds he sustained during the final battle.

* * *

How Far You

Will Go

Staring into my glass of Brandy I go over what brought me here. The events on Virmire, the months spent with Cerberus, Horizon, that night alone together on the Normandy, thousands more. But no matter how it happened, it's all because of one man: Kaidan Alenko. He was dead along with the rest of my crew. I survived the Citadel, the end of the Reapers, the end of the horror only to discover he wasn't there waiting for me like he promised. So now here I sit in a long forgotten bar on Illium, drinking away my sorrows. It worked for awhile I tell myself, it did, or at least I think it did. I had managed to forget him in the haze that overcame my mind a few times. But then it all would come rushing back, just like it was now.

"Why'd you have to die?" I mumble to myself.

In my corner in the back of the room I can see everything. There are so many people in the bar tonight, dancing to the music, the rhythm going through their bodies like it did so many times for me. I had joined in, I loved dancing, it made me forget him for those precious few seconds that I needed. It never lasted though; I'd remember him minutes later, just like am now.

I look away for a second to see someone new enter the bar. It almost looks like him, but I know it's impossible. He died with everyone else I ever loved. Shaking my head sadly, I go back to my drink, swallowing what's left of it in one big gulp. It burns on the way down, such a good feeling.

Eager for more of the brandy, I grab the open bottle I had the waitress leave for me last time she came around. It was a free complimentary bottle like all the others had been, the perks of being the man that saved everyone. If only they could see me now, I look horrible, a gaunt thin shell of what I had been. A pathetic imbecile who'd let himself become a fucking alcoholic.

Dispensing with the glass, deciding it was all pretense anyway, I take a long swig from the bottle. The room begins to spin a bit, just like it had all those times before. I take another sip and begin to laugh. It was all so fucking pointless. I'd pretty much let Kaidan die anyway. It was as if I had pulled some kind of trigger, I destroyed the relays while they were travelling through one. It was all my fault, that's what made it worse, if I hadn't done it, maybe it would be different. It would be, I'd be dead and Kaidan would be alive. Or at least I hope he would've been. Maybe not, maybe he'd be the one sitting in the bar laughing to himself like a crazy person.

With another drink, I think back again to everything that had happened. I had let Ash die on Virmire, I'd saved Kaidan along with the Salarian team, it was the right thing to do, or at least that's what I keep on telling myself. I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I'd saved Ash instead. Would I still be in this mess? Would I still be sitting here drinking myself silly? Or would it all be different, like a new life for me and everyone else. Everyone else except for Kaidan, the only man I ever loved.

"I miss you," I say to no one in particular.

The room suddenly begins to feel cold and empty even though it's full of people, full of life. But it's really full of lies, the lies I tell myself to get through the day. Just one more drink I'd tell myself, one more, then I'll go home and never come back, but I always come back. I need help, that's what everything's telling me, especially the man across the room that looks so much like Kaidan. The man looks around the room frantically, as if he's looking for someone. His eyes meet mine and his mouth falls open in disbelief.

"Shepard," he calls out.

My own mouth falls open. I know that voice so well. It's Kaidan's voice, the voice of the man I love. "Kaidan?" I ask.

"Shepard, is that really you?" he asks, tears in his eyes.

"Kaidan?" I ask again, my own voice cracking.

"Oh, Shepard," Kaidan cries, running over to my table, "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Kaidan, I thought…," I begin, but my voice gets caught in my throat. "I thought you were dead."

"No, we all survived the Normandy's crash, we made it back home, but you were gone," he tells me as he hugs me.

I hug him back, the feelings I tried so hard to repress for all these months rush back to me. I loved him so much, I still do. He's my world.

"What happened to you after that?" he asks, noticing how thin I've gotten, how much I've changed.

"I…," my voice gets caught in my throat again. How do I tell him that I've become an alcoholic? How do I tell him that I'm this shell of the man he used to know?

Kaidan notices the glass and the bottle beside it and recognition dawns on him, he knows what I am now. He knows that I'm this pathetic drunk who's not worthy of his love. I get up to leave the table, to run back to my apartment, the apartment they just gave me. But he puts his hand on my arm to stop me.

"Shepard, please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," he begs me. "Please_ Josh_, please tell me you're not."

"I'm sorry Kaidan," I tell him with unshed tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, but I am."

"No," he turns away. "This is my fault isn't it? I should never have left you alone. I shouldn't have let you _face_ them alone."

"It's not your fault Kaidan, it's _mine_."

"No, if I'd been there, this wouldn't have happened to you," he insists, tears rolling down his own cheeks.

"You're here _now_ Kaidan," I take him into my arms becoming the man I _should_ be, the man who loves him.

"I love you Josh, I missed you so much," he mumbles into my chest as he relaxes.

"I missed you too," I say after a moment, trying to savour finally being with him after all this time. Another thought dawns on me, what if I'm not the man he wanted to come back to, what if he's going to hate me now that he knows what I am. "I'm sorry Kaidan," I say again.

"For what?" he asks me.

"For letting myself become…, this," I say guiltily. "For doing this to you."

"Josh," he begins, staring at me in disbelief. "I don't care, I have you back and that's all that matters."

"But…"

"No buts, you're you and I love you," he assures me.

"But shouldn't I get help?" I ask him incredulously.

"Yeah, you should, but I love you just the same," he explains.

"Alright, I'll get help," I snuggle his neck.

"Good," he tells me, kissing my cheek. "Now let's go home."

"Home?"

"Earth, I have an apartment there, that's where we're going," Kaidan takes my hand before adding. "And you can consider that an order Mister."


End file.
